the LSF cd release show was amazing. ettitson clio was better than i expected and so was fire when ready. caleb made my face turn redder than red when he dedicated the Language of Nature to me. they played really well, i'm sad to see him leave for tour soon. i brought adam and fred with me. i felt bad because it wasn't their "thing" but they delt. :)
i guess that has been the only highlight i have. i hate it here. living with joel's mom is terrible and i want out. i am going to be working 56 hours a week until i can catch up with bills. i can really use the 16 hours of OT every week.
that will bring me to a bit under 2000$ every month before taxes. that is not including commisions as well. maybe i can be out of debt in 3 months. then i can begin to save and get out of here in august like i planned. now it's just do i do it on my own or find someone.
i want to do this on my own.
i think i have made a few mistakes in the past few days and i'm intrested in finding out how this will work.
my heart is extremely broken and i can't feel my toes. joel has made it apparent that he doesn't care at all. that our years meant nothing and i lie, about everything. just think about it makes me shake. there is nothing i can do to prove to him that i loved him in a way that i will never be able to love anyone else. that he meant/means more to me than any other person i will ever come in contact with. he holds parts of me that i can never get back. he said i had a part of his heart and he regrets that i do. and that hurts.
it hurts so bad. i feel like everything is dark. nothing is making sense. i just hope tomorrow is kinder than yesterday and today.
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