co-dependancy and me. a short story by Andrea Manning.

joel has only been gone for a few hours and i feel empty. there is something terribly terribly wrong with this and i don't like it.

first, i am not saying that i don't love being madly in love with love and joel and everything surrounding it. there is, however, something wrong with feeling like i am half a person without him. i have been on an emtional rollercoaster lately due to some outside things in my life, but for the most part they have settled down. i am hoping that due to this, my emotions will also settle.

for the first night in about 3 weeks, i slept well. deeply, calmly, happily. joel, who has had insomnia lately, slept from midnight on, only waking for a moment when i left for work this morning.

i am hoping that is a sign that i'm going to be alright.

but back to hating co-dependency... i have never been a co-dependent person. okay, yes, i enjoy the company of others but i have never relied on that exsitance for my happiness. lately since joel has moved to Buffalo i have felt empty.

home doesn't feel like home. it's just some house i stay in. i am not comfortable there. and if i do finally get comfortable, my dad starts making out with joel's mom. it then becomes terribly uncomfortable and i have to leave the situation. i would never have to do that if i was in my own home.

i don't have many friends. hell, i don't have practically any in Syracuse. so it is just me. maybe that is why i feel so dependent. joel tells me i just need to find something that makes me happy that isn't him. that is so much easier said than done.

christmas is coming and that makes me happy. i love christmas time and everything associated with it. it's so blissful and perfect. it couldn't come soon enough and it ends too quickly.

i'm rambling. i haven't in a while, so it's okay.

i don't think i made a point. and i don't think this is going anywhere. so i quit.