i'm better. i am not okay. but i am better.
i am destroying my own chances for happiness and i am my own worst enemy. melinda made me feel much better. she helped me to see somethings that are very hard to see from in the inside looking out. katie will always echo in my mind "everything turns out okay in the end, if it isn't okay - it isn't the end."
it is things like these that i need right now. i wish i could find something that makes me my own person, gan. it is so hard. you don't sound like your mom, you sound like mine. it is so very hard to seperate andrea from joel. so much good inside me was put there by joel. so many of my intrests are his. it is so very hard to seperate the two. i will most definatly look up that book. thank you for the recommendation.
rachel- i will never let go. joel once wrote me that he will never fight for anything hard than he and i, i feel the same. it is what i hang on to and hope he still feels the same. then you and i will hang out and a a hot slumber party movie night, let you wind down from school and such.
i feel as if i have been over exagerrating. joel said that he was doing this to make things work, to make things better. unfortunatly i record my thoughts at my worst. the time when the pain just surges through your body and becomes unbareable. i called joel my boyfriend twice on accident today and almost called him once. i mean i know it is a routine that cannot be broken easily. i don't want to break it in a pathetic way.
i am very torn apart right now.
in one thought, my brain knows this is needed. it is healthy. that joel wants to fix things and wants to be together again soon. that the reason he pulled away is because he wants to protect what is most valuable. it is the reason he asked me if it was okay for us to break. the reasons he wanted to communicate with me. that he speaks softly with me to not upset me. that he is gentle and reassuring knowing i am weak and vunerable. that this is going to be a wonderful step in building strength in our relationship.
the my heart speaks up. it cries and cracks apart. it screams its lonely and forces worry into my mind. that joel is only being kind to let me down easy. that he has no intentions of coming back into my arms. that he will not be home for christmas. that my pictures will always be off my walls. that i will never hear him whisper i love you in my ears again. that i will never lay on his chest and heart his heartbeat again. he will grow up and i will miss all his accomplishments. that i will lose one of the best friends i have ever had.
it is so confusing.
i'm thankful joel does not have access to a computer. i am sure the pain i'm in will make things hard for him, and i don't want that. as always, i want him to be happy. i want this to be an easy thing for him. i want to give him his space and let him clear his mind.
i just have to remember that the sky is always darkest before the dawn.
and i need to stop living on clichés.
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